One emotion holding many of us back is negative love: our tendency to repeat the behaviors we used to win our parents’ love, and to repeat our parents’ attitudes, behaviors, and treatment of us.

If our mother was hypercritical, we might see excessive criticism as an expression of love, and we either become overly critical ourselves or seek out critical people—or both.Likewise, if our father was overly anxious, constantly cautioning us against exploring the world, taking risks, or expressing our true feelings, we too are likely to become anxious and/or surround ourselves with anxious people.

Generation after generation pass on the same type of negative love, viewing perfectionism and codependency as precious gifts rather than as self-exploitation.

Forgiveness, Healing, and Self-Discovery

Over many years of exploring ways to release childhood pain, in my own life and the lives of my patients, I’ve realized that the key to laying down our emotional burdens is letting go of judgment and embracing forgiveness—of those who hurt us, yes, but also of ourselves. As a medical practitioner, I was delighted to come across the following quote from Joan Borysenko, co-founder of Harvard University’s Mind-Body Clinic, because of the integrative vision blending biochemistry, emotion, and spirit:

I can tell you as a biologist that when we step into the part of ourselves that doesn’t judge . . . enormous biochemical changes accompany that, changes in the neuropeptides from the emotional center of the brain, changes in our immune system and our cardiovascular system that are all consistent with good health.

If you would like to further explore these states, consider one or more of the exercises below: [Editor's Note: Several exercises are available in the book, two of which are shared here.]

1. Release

Let it out. We hold anger and resentment in our physical bodies, so it makes sense that we need to release these emotions in a physical way. Dancing, running, drumming, hitting a pillow with a whiffleball bat, or simply letting it out in tears are all ways to physically release your frustration and anger. It’s important not to confront the individual who is triggering you while you are highly emotionally activated. In most cases, carrying this anger into a conversation leads us right back to the very pattern we’re trying to understand and de-energize.

Healing touch. Sometimes we need support to release powerful emotions. Consider using massage, Feldenkrais, polarity therapy, and any other approach that involves being touched to help you release and unblock.

2. Transformation: Practicing the New

1. Ask a trusted friend or sibling the following question: What have I adopted from my parents that might not be serving me well in my life? Or, more simply, How am I like Mom and Dad—the bad as well as the good? Encourage the other person to speak for a few minutes with no interruptions as you listen carefully and take notes. Focus on listening without judgment, simply to absorb the information.

2. Whether or not you agree, thank your loved one for answering your question. Then allow yourself at least 10 minutes every other day for a week to write in your journal about how you feel. Is there some truth to what you heard? A lot of truth? No truth? Why do you think you adopted that behavior? Would you like to give it up? With what would you like to replace it?

3. When you are ready, promise yourself to notice every time you engage in the behavior you would like to change. Begin simply by noticing.

4. When you are ready, follow up your noticing by altering your behavior. If you can alter it before the fact, that’s terrific. If you don’t catch yourself in time, apologize and do it over again.

5. Continue to practice replacing your old, unwanted behavior with a new behavior. It may take a while, but eventually, the new behavior will come to seem more natural than the old.

Supporting Yourself

This type of emotional work can be challenging, scary, and sometimes painful in its own right. It’s all the more important, then, to find as many ways as you can to support yourself. Here are some suggestions for how to do that:

List things that make you feel great. Jot down all the things you can do to make yourself feel wonderful: eat well, get your body moving, surround yourself with loving people, and so on. What else can you think of? Start by making the list—then see if you can manage just one thing a week . . . then every other day . . . then maybe even once a day.

Check your support system. Often, as we start building our self-esteem and understanding the patterns that don’t work for us, we begin to realize that we’ve included people in our circle of intimates who replicate the conflicts and hurtful experiences we had with our parents. Then, as we become healthier and more self-loving, we start becoming less attracted to these repeat instances of “negative love.”

Consider doing an inventory of your support system—the people you see and speak to frequently and by choice, including family members, friends, and romantic partner or spouse. Ask yourself how you feel about yourself and your life after spending time with each one. Perhaps you’ll realize that spending time with Jane leaves you feeling confused or anxious, whereas talking to Mary always perks you up or calms you down. Consider, then, how to surround yourself as far as possible only with people who help you create positive loving relationships and leave the negative love behind.

We can take comfort in the fact that health-defeating interactions with others are learned behaviors, behaviors that we can unlearn with time and practice. The best part is that when we release these patterns and come from a place of love emotionally, it can trigger healing physically in the body. That’s what thousands of my patients have found. If you are willing to become aware, release your past, forgive yourself and those who have hurt you, and move on to new action, that healing is there for you, too.

©2011, 2013 by Marcelle Pick. All Rights Reserved.
(Original Title 2011: Are You Tired and Wired/ Revised 2013.)
Excerpted with permission of the publisher,
Hay House Inc. www.hayhouse.com

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Is It Me or My Adrenals?: Your Proven 30-Day Program for Overcoming Adrenal Fatigue and Feeling Fantastic Again...
by Marcelle Pick.

Do you wake up every morning feeling tired, overwhelmed, and stressed? Are you constantly reaching for coffee, soda, or some other promise of energy just to keep yourself going? Do you struggle through the day—sluggish, irritable, forgetful, depressed, and craving sweets—only to have trouble sleeping at night? If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, you’re not alone. In fact, hundreds of thousands of women are fighting these same feelings as they strive to live the lives they want. In Is It Me Or My Adrenals?, Marcelle Pick gives you the knowledge and tools to overcome this epidemic of fatigue

Click here for more info or to order this paperback book and/or to download the Kindle edition.

About the Author

Marcelle Pick is a member of the American Nurses Association, American Nurse Practitioner Association and American Holistic Nurses Association. She has served as Medical Advisor to Healthy Living Magazine, lectured on a variety of topics — including “Alternative Strategies to Healing” and “Body Image” — and appears regularly on television to discuss women’s health. She is also a member of the advisory board for the renowned Hoffman Institute. In her practice, she undertakes a holistic approach that not only treats illness, but also helps women make choices in their lives to prevent disease. Visit her website: www.WomenToWomen.com

Books by this Author

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