Image by Daniel Nebreda

In this Article:

• How you can create meaningful friendships as an adult.
• Why is overcoming loneliness so difficult in adulthood?
• Effective ways to meet new people and build lasting friendships.
• How does scheduling social activities help create meaningful connections?
• How can staying in touch with friends fend off loneliness?

How to Create Meaningful Friendships in Your Adult Years

By Michael Thompson.

It’s not a secret that relationships and community involvement lead to increased happiness levels, as well as improved mental and physical health. Yet, as our adult responsibilities stack, a time comes when many of us look around and internally remark, “I swear I used to have friends. Where did everybody go?”

If you’ve experienced this feeling, you’re not alone. In his book, Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect, author Matthew D. Lieberman compares two surveys conducted almost twenty years apart. In the first survey conducted in 1985, the average response to the question of how many people participants had in their lives to discuss important matters was three.

However, in the second survey conducted in 2004, the most common answer was zero. This troubling trend has only continued as loneliness rates have more than doubled since the 1980s, leading US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy to declare loneliness an epidemic.

Having grown up extremely shy, with a debilitating stutter, making friends didn’t come easily to me. But over the two decades living across three continents in nine different towns, where in each place I’ve had to make an effort to make friends, I’ve learned some tactics to create meaningful connections that can help reverse adult alienation. 

Rather Than Push Yourself Onto People, Pull Them Towards You

One piece of typical advice to make new friends is to challenge yourself to speak to one new person a day. I’ve got nothing against doing this, as it has done wonders for some of my friends. But it’s not for me. Instead of potentially pushing myself onto someone, I prefer to put myself in a position that pulls people into my world.

For example, rather than going directly to other parents at my kid’s school to strike up a conversation, shortly after moving to my new town in Spain, I began playing daily soccer games with my two boys and their classmates in our local park.

In the span of a month, despite all the other parents initially sitting on park benches staring at their phones, two dads joined in. A year later, one of those guys is my closest friend here.

On top of this, countless parents have come up to me after the games to say hi. Each morning after dropping my kids off at school, I make a point to continue the conversation with a few of them — a handful of whom have moved past mere acquaintances to become my weekly hiking partners.

Maybe you don’t have kids. Or maybe you don’t like soccer. But think about ways to get yourself in front of people on your own terms, while doing something you enjoy. This one simple act of getting on the field instead of sitting on the sidelines has done more for my social life than just about any other thing I’ve done.

Immerse Yourself in Something That Challenges You

When my wife moved from her hometown at the base of the Pyrenees to Barcelona, she took an introduction to belly-dancing class as a way to meet people. Even though she initially felt ridiculous, she quickly learned she wasn’t alone. After each class, she and the other women bonded about how uncomfortable they felt over drinks at the bar next door to the dance academy.

When we try new things, we often feel out of place — like we’re the only ones who are experiencing feelings of self-doubt or flat-out embarrassment. But this is rarely the case,  as other people are also trying something new and are most likely filled with these same feelings.

What’s something you’ve always wanted to do or learn more about but haven’t made it a priority? Maybe it’s taking up yoga? Or learning a new language? Being brave enough to put yourself out into the world and having the courage to laugh at yourself and admit you don’t have all the right moves in these circumstances has a peculiar way of attracting the right people to you.

Become a Master of the Follow-up

When I began my career in sales, after every call my manager would run over to me and say, “Is the person you just spoke with married? What’s their spouse's name? Do they have kids? Tell me you heard a dog barking in the background. I love dogs! What’s his dog’s name? Come on Mike, you gotta know this stuff!” I will never forget this lesson. But instead of just applying it to work, over the years, I’ve built the habit of taking notes about the people I come into contact with on the street, as well.

It’s hard to not like someone who inquires about your elderly mother who’s struggling with health issues or other challenges they’re facing. The same goes for remembering their kids’ names or any of the other details they’ve mentioned. Just recently, I told my friend Agatha, a Polish woman, how much I loved perogies from the time I lived in Warsaw. Shortly thereafter, she made a batch for me and my family — which made all of us like her that much more!

Make the effort to jot down the “little things” people say in passing and put in the effort to follow up. When it comes to making new friends, the details aren’t the details — the details are the thing.

Schedule Social Activities Before Work Responsibilities

A few years ago, during a particularly stressful time, I told my coach how guilty I felt about prioritizing work over my family. His recommendation was so simple it’s genius. “On Sunday nights, before thinking about your work, put your non-negotiable family time on your calendar first.” He went on to add that maybe this looks like blocking off an hour or even thirty minutes each afternoon to play with my kids before dinner or choosing to make one of my weekend days tech-free.

When it comes to making new friends, the same rule applies — you have to make it a priority. Before making your work to-do list, schedule even just one or two social activities to get more involved in your community. 

To make this easy, consider creating recurring meet-ups. For example, every Tuesday evening this summer I invited a group of people I’d connected with to get together at the same spot on the beach, encouraging them to bring their families and friends. The first week I was nervous no one would show up, but to my relief, over a dozen people were there before I even arrived.

The number one reason people told me they came? They, too, were looking for an excuse to be more sociable — and since the meetup was at the beach where people were coming and going — it made the ever-important 10 percent hurdle when doing something new easy to cross.

Why not organize a hike in your area every other Saturday with the people you are meeting? Or a dinner party or game night if you enjoy those things? If you know someone who will most likely say yes, you can team up with them beforehand, so you aren’t going at it alone. 

We’re talking about a few hours a week. The important thing is to prioritize relationships first. Maybe this bites into your work time, or if you’re self-employed, even your finances. 

But you have to ask yourself, “What matters most?”

Stay in Touch

The true pain of loneliness often stems from the belief that we have no one to rely on, or no one to support. The innate desire to feel cared for and provide care is hardwired into the human condition, making loneliness an all-encompassing and deeply personal struggle. Even if it’s just a brief check-in with a text or email, let friends know you are there, and there for them, and they will likely be there for you.

Copyright 2024. All Rights Reserved.

Book by this Author: Shy by Design

Shy by Design: 12 Timeless Principles to Quietly Stand Out
by Michael Thompson.

In Shy by Design, Michael Thompson shares his inspiring journey of moving from being riddled with self-doubt due to his shyness and debilitating stutter to becoming a sought-after career coach, university leadership lecturer, and strategic communication advisor for top global business executives and entrepreneurs.

The author’s story of navigating the often loud world of sales and communication – while staying true to his shy way of being – will inspire you to embrace your unique strengths and see your “perceived” weaknesses through a more empowered lens. Whether you are a recent graduate, a seasoned executive, or someone seeking personal growth, Shy by Design will provide you with the motivation and action steps to embrace shyness as the superpower that it is.

About the Author

Michael Thompson is a career coach, lecturer at EAE Business School in Barcelona, Spain, and strategic communication advisor to top business leaders worldwide. Growing up, his stutter and social anxiety kept him from pursuing his goals. By turning his supposed weaknesses into his greatest strengths, he developed a system of principles to help people express themselves more confidently and build meaningful relationships without sacrificing their nature. His work has appeared in numerous publications, including Fast Company, Insider, Forbes, INC, MSN, and Apple News.Visit his website at MichaelThompson.art/

Article Recap:

This article explores the challenge of building meaningful friendships in adulthood and offers strategies to do so. Through social engagement, trying new activities, and nurturing connections through consistent follow-up, adults can form lasting friendships that improve mental and physical wellbeing. The article emphasizes the importance of prioritizing relationships over work and suggests creating recurring social events to foster a sense of community and belonging. Overcoming adult loneliness starts with making relationships a priority.