Image by Gioele Fazzeri 

When we need to perform a new task, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed, especially when it involves other people. The stress induced by the initial event combined with our emotions inhibits one’s ability to be clear and engage in present-time thinking.

Interpersonal relationships can make new endeavors complicated. It doesn’t matter if it’s meeting our future in-laws for the first time, competing in a tournament, or interviewing for a job. It’s stressful. It doesn’t help our cause that we’re often entertaining our negative chatter about ourselves.

The following example will illustrate how to minimize angst when in high states situations. You can apply this to any upcoming events in your life.

Polly Takes On Her Mind

Recently I had the chance to help out Polly, a former competitive swimmer, who was about to take her grueling MCAT exam for medical school. She called, relaying that she had lost several hours of sleep the previous night. I knew it was her fear that was between her and feeling calm and relaxed. The fear was affecting her thinking, and now she was telling herself “I’m not prepared enough” and “I didn’t study enough.” Her mind was also racing into the future, “What if I don’t pass? What would I tell people?”

Having identified Polly’s destructive thoughts, we set about finding truthful contradictions. For the first two, “I’m not prepared enough” and “I didn’t study enough,” I asked her what was true. Had she been eating bon-bons and watching mindless television these last months? She answered straight away, and I hurriedly wrote down what she said.

"I’ve definitely been on it."
"I’ve done all I can do."
"There’s nothing more that I could have done."
"I’ve done my best."

I asked Polly if what she was saying was true and she acknowledged how diligent she had been. That was easy! These truths were about her.

I had her repeat these four lines out loud a few times and we could both hear in her voice that she knew in her heart that it was true. Whew!

We then attacked Polly’s other group of destructive thoughts that had to do with what others would think. “What will I tell people if I don’t pass?”

Being the smart cookie that she is, she paused, laughed, and said, “I’ll tell them the same thing”:

"I don’t know how I could have prepared anymore."
"I guess I’ll just take it again."

With great relief she repeated these statements a few times. I could tell that she felt the truth with what she was saying because she said she was grinning broadly.

I reminded her that she now had some powerful weapons to combat her old doubts if they resurfaced between now and test time. I also encouraged Polly to repeat the two sets of statements several times throughout the day and night because they would bathe her in the reality and keep her feeling calm.

Deal with The Accompanying Anxiety

When Polly and I were finishing our session, I felt compelled to get on my soapbox and remind her that her bad thoughts indicated she was just feeling fear. Since fear is just a pure physical sensation, pure energy in the body, she should copy what animals do when they are afraid. The don’t get frozen. Rather, they shiver, tremble and shake until the danger passes. We need to follow their lead and do the same.

Shiver up the spine, through your legs, out your arms and hands, in your hips, and in your neck and jaw. The key is to do it hard, fast, and with abandon. I know it seems silly but it really works. Try it for 90 seconds and I guarantee you’ll start to laugh and the spell will be broken.

This simple activity is the Rx for whenever we can’t sleep, or feel anxious, nervous, overwhelmed, agitated, etc. Shake that energy out of your body while just making sounds or saying something like “It’s just fear. I need to move it out of my body.”

It became clear to Polly that just like before a big swim meet, it didn’t make sense to work out all day. Likewise, it was going to be most helpful for her to attend a yoga class, take a run, or prepare a special meal, and relax the day before. All the months of studying were behind her. She would be doing what calmed her down so she’d be fresh as a daisy in the morning, and even enjoy the test, since she’d be sure to know most of the answers.

These Simple Suggestions Work

I got a text from Polly, a couple of days later, saying “I flew through the questions. Now, I’ll just have to wait a month for the results!” She was one happy gal. All her preparation had paid off. She could resume her previous life and just wait and see.

You too can apply these steps to any upcoming situation. You’ll see the benefit of doing a little self-therapy to make your task a bit easier. First identify your negative thoughts and doom-and-gloom thinking. Then systematically write down what’s true about you and the situation. Repeat, repeat, repeat your statements, interrupting all the old thoughts that creep into your head. Diligently insert your truth. And shiver a ton, to keep your fear at bay.

Then just do your best and enjoy the ride.

©2024 by Jude Bijou, M.A., M.F.T.
All Rights Reserved.

Book by this Author: Attitude Reconstruction

Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life
by Jude Bijou, M.A., M.F.T.

With practical tools and real-life examples, this book can help you stop settling for sadness, anger, and fear, and infuse your life with joy, love, and peace. Jude Bijou's comprehensive blueprint will teach you to: ? cope with family members' unsolicited advice, cure indecision with your intuition, deal with fear by expressing it physically, create closeness by truly talking and listening, improve your social life, increase staff morale in just five minutes a day, handle sarcasm by visualizing it flying by, carve out more time for yourself by clarifying your priorities, ask for a raise and get it, stop fighting via two easy steps, cure kids' tantrums constructively. You can integrate Attitude Reconstruction into your daily routine, regardless of your spiritual path, cultural background, age, or education.

For more info and/or to order this book, click here. Also available as a Kindle edition.

About the Author

Jude Bijou is a licensed marriage and family therapist (MFT), an educator in Santa Barbara, California and the author of Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life.

In 1982, Jude launched a private psychotherapy practice and started working with individuals, couples, and groups. She also began teaching communication courses through Santa Barbara City College Adult Education.

Visit her website at AttitudeReconstruction.com/