Editor's Note: Video is a short 3:25 minute summary of the article.
Audio below is of the complete article.
In this Article:
- What is the difference between emotions and feelings?
- Why do we mislabel emotions in daily conversations?
- How can word choice improve emotional communication?
- What are the disguised "you" statements to avoid?
- How can owning our emotions strengthen relationships?
Emotions versus Feelings: Why It Matters
by Jude Bijou, M.A., M.F.T.
Although people tend to use the words “feelings” and “emotions” interchangeably, there is a big difference between the two.
Emotions are physical. Feelings are mental. Feelings are created when we add an interpretation to the emotional physiology we are experiencing in our bodies.
Identifying Underlying Emotions
Here’s an example: say you’ve been under the weather but dread going to the doctor. Your stomach is in knots, and your hands are freezing. You start projecting into the future. “What if I have cancer? I won’t be able to work. What will happen to my children.” You might call what you’re feeling anxiety, nervousness, or stress, but what you are experiencing on a physical level is the emotion of fear.
It doesn’t matter whether the source of your fear is a potential diagnosis, meeting your future in-laws for the first time, or giving a presentation in class. And it doesn’t matter whether you call what you are feeling anxiety, nervousness, or stress -- what you are experiencing is the emotion of fear. It's pure energy in your body.
Likewise, when we say we feel frustrated, the emotion we are feeling in our bodies is anger. However, the reality is that when we say we feel frustrated, it’s because there is something that we are not accepting, such as someone interrupting us when we are talking.
In order to have positive communications with others, it’s easier to deal with what we are feeling if we first identify the underlying emotion. Is it sadness, anger, or fear? Is it joy, love, or peace? This way, we can be sure that we are talking about ourselves and what we are feeling in a given situation.
Owning Our Feelings vs Projecting
Feelings can be slippery because often we are not talking about ourselves but are really telling other people about themselves. Expressing these kinds of feelings are not going to illicit an open or positive response. They are not sharing about you.
Saying, “I feel like you…” or “I feel as if you…” might seem like you are talking about yourself but are actually veiled “yous” that are telling someone about themselves. Rather than “I feel as if you don’t like me,” be specific and say, “I felt hurt when you didn’t call when you said you would.”
Be careful about using words that imply that something has been done to you. Such words as manipulated, neglected, judged, or abandoned are basically disguised forms of “you”s. When you say, “I feel ignored,” you are really proclaiming, “You are ignoring me,” or “I feel ignored by you,” which immediately puts the other person on the defensive. Pushing against the defense works in a football game, but not so much in communication.
True Feeling Words vs Disguised “YOUs”
The subject of your communications needs to be you sharing about yourself, not projecting what you are feeling on others. Your reactions, your emotions are inside of you. Other people can understand when you talk about your experience. You create connection. When you are telling others about themselves, you create defensiveness, little reception, bad feelings and separation.
Check out the following list (and study it) to get an idea of the difference between talking about yourself versus projecting your own stuff onto others. Then start a campaign to eliminate the disguised “yous" from your vocabulary. Why? Because it’s time to focus on what is true for you about you and share that with others.
Disguised “yous” ----->
abandoned,
abused,
attacked,
betrayed,
bullied,
cheated,
cornered,
devalued,
diminished,
discounted,
ignored,
intimidated,
judged,
let down,
manipulated,
mistreated,
misunderstood,
neglected,
patronized,
pressured,
rejected,
put down,
taken for granted,
threatened,
trapped,
unappreciated,
unheard,
unsupported,
unwanted,
used
The commonality in all the above terms is that they imply that the "other person" did something to us that "made us" feel that way. They are referring to another person's actions or attitudes.
Suggested True Feeling "I" Words
The following words, on the other hand, are owning up to what we are feeling, not what the other person said or did:
-----> anxious,
-----> ashamed,
-----> blue,
-----> bored,
-----> confused,
-----> depressed,
-----> embarrassed,
-----> envious,
-----> foolish,
-----> frustrated,
-----> guilty,
-----> helpless,
-----> hurt,
-----> impatient,
-----> inadequate,
-----> insecure,
-----> interrupted,
-----> jealous,
-----> lonely,
-----> melancholy (sad),
-----> overwhelmed,
-----> panicky,
-----> resentful,
-----> selfish,
-----> separate,
-----> tired,
-----> unconfident,
-----> upset,
-----> worried
Note: These lists are loosely based on the work of Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion. (Puddle Dancer Press, 1999.)
An Example of Using Accurate Feeling Words
If you’re confused about what is a disguised “you” and what is a true feeling maybe this example will help. If your son tells you what he thinks of you, is he talking about himself or about you, or both? If he says, “I feel you don't support me because….”, is he speaking about what he feels or making a judgment about you not being supportive?
In the first place, “unsupported” is on the list to be avoided because it’s a projection onto the other rather than describing what emotion he was feeling (probably anger).
If he says “I feel you don't support me because….” what comes next must be an “I” about something specific. He needs to talk about himself and not tell you about yourself and what you do that he doesn’t like. So it’s not “I feel you don't support me because….” you don’t listen to me," or “you talk down to me” etc. It’s “I feel you don't support me because I feel angry that you shared with dad information that I gave you in confidence”.
Saying I feel you don't support me “because you don’t listen to me” is a huge overgeneralization that calls for the specific situation he is referring to. If you know the specifics, you can deal with it.
What comes next after he (we) identifies what feeling or emotions we are experiencing is where he (we) must only talk about what we feel, think, say, or do. "I feel insecure because I was often laughed at as a child." not "I feel like you don't like me." This can seem hard at first because we are so used to blaming others rather than taking responsibility for what we feel, think, say, or do. However, learning and abiding by the concept of owning one’s emotions will bring more understanding and connection.
We use all kinds of words to describe the same emotions depending on our history and circumstances. Feeling empty, helpless, arrogant, confused, blissful, content, and delighted are all just different labels we attach to the underlying emotion, which is a wordless physical sensation. When in doubt about what you are feeling, it’s safest to stick with naming one or more of the six emotions: sadness, anger, fear, joy, love, or peace.
©2025 by Jude Bijou, M.A., M.F.T.
All Rights Reserved.
Book by this Author: Attitude Reconstruction
Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life
by Jude Bijou, M.A., M.F.T.
With practical tools and real-life examples, this book can help you stop settling for sadness, anger, and fear, and infuse your life with joy, love, and peace.
Jude Bijou's comprehensive blueprint will teach you to: cope with family members' unsolicited advice, cure indecision with your intuition, deal with fear by expressing it physically, create closeness by truly talking and listening, improve your social life, increase staff morale in just five minutes a day, handle sarcasm by visualizing it flying by, carve out more time for yourself by clarifying your priorities, ask for a raise and get it, stop fighting via two easy steps, cure kids' tantrums constructively. You can integrate Attitude Reconstruction into your daily routine, regardless of your spiritual path, cultural background, age, or education.
For more info and/or to order this book, click here. Also available as a Kindle edition.
About the Author:
Jude Bijou is a licensed marriage and family therapist (MFT), an educator in Santa Barbara, California and the author of Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life.
In 1982, Jude launched a private psychotherapy practice and started working with individuals, couples, and groups. She also began teaching communication courses through Santa Barbara City College Adult Education.
Visit her website at AttitudeReconstruction.com/
Article Recap:
Emotions are physical sensations, while feelings arise from our interpretations of those emotions. Mislabeling emotions can create misunderstandings, making it crucial to distinguish between true feeling words and disguised projections. Using clear, self-responsible language enhances communication and emotional intelligence. By taking ownership of emotions and avoiding blame, individuals foster healthier relationships, improve self-awareness, and develop a deeper sense of emotional clarity.
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